Wife for sale

So for those of you who don't know, I got the job with Dean Foods, and now I do Greenville Route Settlement. Pay is good. Job is sucky. Upside, they did take us to Kanpei yesterday for lunch and I got to see shit go up in flames. Awesome.
So what this means is that I work for Dean Foods M-F 8a-5p. And then I work at WH either half of second or most of 3rd shift, whenever they schedule me, but usually from 30-35 hours a week. It sucks.
What sucks the most is that I never get to see Superman. Ever. So I'm pretty sure that he is negotiating ways to sell me on the black market. Which sucks, because I don't wanna go to wherever it is that bad wives who are sold on the black market go. PLUS, I'm pretty sure you don't get paid to be a slave, and that would make me sad, because we all know that I'm a greedy bitch.

I'm tired, so I'll come back to this later.

GET ON MY HORSE!!

Ok so my S key isn't working very well, please pardon me if I have a lot of weird words.

If you haven't seen this yet please go here.

Just a warning- it's on a loop, and WILL get stuck in your head. It's awesome.

AAAAANY ways. So today I started training for my second job (I'll do this 9p-7a and then do the other from 9a-4:30). Training was interesting. My uniform makes me look so awesomely amazing that it's not even fun. Should I let you in on the *big* secret about where my 2nd job is? Ok I will. I (with my $25,000 in school loans) am working 3rd shift at the Mecca of the South. That's right guys and gals, I'm workin at Waffle House. Which is awesome. My wonderful MIL is a manager for one of them (let me tell ya'll people at WH make BAAAAAAANK) and hooked me up since she knows that we are trying to get some money together for all the fun shit we wanna do in the next few months, plus the whole buying a house thing kinda makes you BROKE. A lot. So I have these 2 jobs and Superman has his sweet job, and everything is going pretty damn well.

I'm going to give you a list of things that I have learned in the past month, let me tell ya'll, it's been informative.

• There is a porn called "E.T. Alien Sex 2". Which means that there was an "E.T. Alien Sex 1" and someone liked it SO much, that they made another. Yeah.
• How the orders at W.H. are given to and remembered by the grill cooks is a TOP SECRET WAFFLE HOUSE thing, and if I were to tell you about it I would have a hit put out on my head (yes, W.H. actually employs hit men).
• Horses taste like raisins (see above link)
• People like bullet lists.
• I like actual bullets, like when I'm feeling stabby, but am also feeling lazy. That's when I start feeling shooty.
• Shooty is a word. Just look here.
• Douche Canoe is also a word. Actually, it's 2.
• Urban Dictionary is a reliable source to find words that the OED might have over looked.
• The south is not as warm as the north is cold.
• I have a new dog, he will only answer to "Red" despite the fact that Superman likes to call him "Ricky Bobby".
• The reason he wants to call the dog Ricky Bobby is because he wants to be able to sing the song, and possibly teach the dog the dance.
• People who invite drama into their lives will never be rid of drama, until they sincerely tell it to leave.
• Some people just like the drama.
• My 8 year old knows more about the planets than I do.
• My husband is the smartest, sexiest, most loving, forgiving, and all around WONDERFUL man, ever.
• Flattery will get you every where (and most importantly will get you laid).
• Douche canoes travel in packs.
• And so much more that I could write a series of blogs on it... LOL

Don't you feel educated (and maybe a little grossed out) right now?

You're welcome.

Also, Tim Tebow is a crying little bitch. He also sucks mad nuts. Anyways, on Saturday all the Gator Haters watched on as 'Bama spanked that Gator ass, and then got the icing on the cake when Tim Tebow CRIED LIKE A GIRL ON NATIONAL T.V.. Which just further proves that he is indeed, a bitch. Can I even tell ya'll how happy this makes me? After UT's barely there victory over Nebraska it's been put in stone that UT and Bama are going to the Rose Bowl. Now, let me tell you that my darling husband traditionally pulls for Texas colleges (until one of them is playing A&M, and then it's Aggies all the way). That being said, as much as he might want to Hook Em Horn, it looks like the Tide is gonna roll all over them. And as much a we might want Colt to get the Heisman (or really anyone but Tebow), I'm casting my vote for Mark Ingram (Bama's Running back, and a BEAST).

That's all I'm gonna say for now.

Thanksgiving is canceled- I'm having a nervous breakdown

So it's been decided that I am personally cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year. Thankfully it's only going to be Superman, me, and the kids. I found out on Thursday that this was happening. Friday I called my mother and related to her that I have never made Turkey Day dinner, and I've never had the urge to. She laughed. She also laughed when I asked if I could keep all that stuff in the "cavity" of the bird, when I asked how bad it would be if I just ordered that Cajun turkey from KFC, and also when I asked if she would just cook dinner and then mail it to me.


Here's what I don't think she understands. Superman's mother is a cook. And I don't mean she cooks well (she does), but that she used to do it for a living. At a million star restaurant in Austin. Like, really. So while I grew up on burned Hamburger Helper, he grew up on gourmet meals. The only thing my poor mama can make really well is white gravy, and then you have to eat it with burned womp biscuits (for those of you who are uninformed those are canned biscuits). So, while I consider myself a decent cook because I can cook lots of stuff without burning it, compared to my mother-in-law I'm a kitchen virgin. We are going to her house on Wednesday, so on Thanksgiving I get to try and live up to what she accomplished the day before, and I suppose if all else fails we can try and raid her 'fridge for left overs. I'm an expert left over maker. To make matters worse Superman talks about Supermom's cooking all the time, but especially about Supermom's cooking on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Apparently she makes some sort of herb brined Superturkey. I don't think even Foodnetwork.com can help me out here. I think I know now why the suicide/homicide rate jumps over the holidays. Women who can't make mashed 'taters like moms, so we either want to kill ourselves, or our men. HAH! If only it was that easy.

In a fit of craziness I went to Walmart with Superman on Saturday to get the "stuff" I need to cook this disaster of a meal. I told him specifically that I want a 12 pound turkey. It's only going to be the 5 of us, the kids and I aren't all that into turkey anyways, so all I need is 12 pounds. So I go up to the case and start looking. All of a sudden (in a fit of testosterone) Superman pushes me out of the way and declares loudly that "Pickin the turkey is MY* job" *there may have been a fist to chest thump in there somewhere. I say fine, but remember- 12 pounds. And I stupidly left him unattended to find the other things I need.

As I was pondering canned green beans I hear someone gasp "Look at that bird!". I got a really bad feeling and turned to see my fiancé walking down the aisle singing "Surfing Bird" and holding the largest turkey I'd ever seen. It was approximately 87 pounds. It weighed more than my children... (At this point I would like to say that I am exaggerating just a little, the bird is really a whopping 20 pounder)

I put my foot down, hell I put BOTH feet down. There was NO WAY WE WERE GONNA GET THAT D*MN BIRD. The entire time I'm ranting about 20 pound turkeys, and the fact that I could fit the thing on my head and use it as a meat helmet, he's cooing to the bird. He held it tenderly while gazing lovingly at that Butterball package, and I think I heard him sing "You are my Sunshine". Finally I rolled my eyes and he took that as his cue to toss the thing in our cart. Subsequently, I couldn't even push the cart so he had to take over. So here is this giant man pushing a giant turkey around Walmart singing "Don't you know about the bird? Everybody knows about the bird, I said a bird bird bird...". I cannot tell you how proud I was.

When we got home and I rearranged the entire refrigerator to accommodate Big Bird, I realized, I do not have a pan big enough to fit this monstrosity. So now, I gotta buy one or somehow convince Supermom to let me use hers.

Ya'll I'm serious- I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

OH and also, I won’t even get to relax with my fiancé after the meal because last night I found out that the Giants (AKA THE team) will be playing to Bronco's on Thanksgiving. So it's gonna be turkey and football in our house.