Thanksgiving is canceled- I'm having a nervous breakdown

So it's been decided that I am personally cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year. Thankfully it's only going to be Superman, me, and the kids. I found out on Thursday that this was happening. Friday I called my mother and related to her that I have never made Turkey Day dinner, and I've never had the urge to. She laughed. She also laughed when I asked if I could keep all that stuff in the "cavity" of the bird, when I asked how bad it would be if I just ordered that Cajun turkey from KFC, and also when I asked if she would just cook dinner and then mail it to me.


Here's what I don't think she understands. Superman's mother is a cook. And I don't mean she cooks well (she does), but that she used to do it for a living. At a million star restaurant in Austin. Like, really. So while I grew up on burned Hamburger Helper, he grew up on gourmet meals. The only thing my poor mama can make really well is white gravy, and then you have to eat it with burned womp biscuits (for those of you who are uninformed those are canned biscuits). So, while I consider myself a decent cook because I can cook lots of stuff without burning it, compared to my mother-in-law I'm a kitchen virgin. We are going to her house on Wednesday, so on Thanksgiving I get to try and live up to what she accomplished the day before, and I suppose if all else fails we can try and raid her 'fridge for left overs. I'm an expert left over maker. To make matters worse Superman talks about Supermom's cooking all the time, but especially about Supermom's cooking on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Apparently she makes some sort of herb brined Superturkey. I don't think even Foodnetwork.com can help me out here. I think I know now why the suicide/homicide rate jumps over the holidays. Women who can't make mashed 'taters like moms, so we either want to kill ourselves, or our men. HAH! If only it was that easy.

In a fit of craziness I went to Walmart with Superman on Saturday to get the "stuff" I need to cook this disaster of a meal. I told him specifically that I want a 12 pound turkey. It's only going to be the 5 of us, the kids and I aren't all that into turkey anyways, so all I need is 12 pounds. So I go up to the case and start looking. All of a sudden (in a fit of testosterone) Superman pushes me out of the way and declares loudly that "Pickin the turkey is MY* job" *there may have been a fist to chest thump in there somewhere. I say fine, but remember- 12 pounds. And I stupidly left him unattended to find the other things I need.

As I was pondering canned green beans I hear someone gasp "Look at that bird!". I got a really bad feeling and turned to see my fiancé walking down the aisle singing "Surfing Bird" and holding the largest turkey I'd ever seen. It was approximately 87 pounds. It weighed more than my children... (At this point I would like to say that I am exaggerating just a little, the bird is really a whopping 20 pounder)

I put my foot down, hell I put BOTH feet down. There was NO WAY WE WERE GONNA GET THAT D*MN BIRD. The entire time I'm ranting about 20 pound turkeys, and the fact that I could fit the thing on my head and use it as a meat helmet, he's cooing to the bird. He held it tenderly while gazing lovingly at that Butterball package, and I think I heard him sing "You are my Sunshine". Finally I rolled my eyes and he took that as his cue to toss the thing in our cart. Subsequently, I couldn't even push the cart so he had to take over. So here is this giant man pushing a giant turkey around Walmart singing "Don't you know about the bird? Everybody knows about the bird, I said a bird bird bird...". I cannot tell you how proud I was.

When we got home and I rearranged the entire refrigerator to accommodate Big Bird, I realized, I do not have a pan big enough to fit this monstrosity. So now, I gotta buy one or somehow convince Supermom to let me use hers.

Ya'll I'm serious- I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

OH and also, I won’t even get to relax with my fiancé after the meal because last night I found out that the Giants (AKA THE team) will be playing to Bronco's on Thanksgiving. So it's gonna be turkey and football in our house.